Apparently there was a secret meeting to vote on all the duties I should or would be responsible for in life.   From what I can tell this meeting discussed at length the roles I would be responsible for filling, as a mother, a wife, an employee.    Unfortunately, my invitation to this meeting must have gotten lost among Sunday mailers and an endless stream of bills.  My Vagina on the other hand… well it seems my Vagina was not only invited but was most certainly in attendance.  My Vagina must have really thought highly of me during this assembly because where I am fully aware that I am mediocre at planning, excellent at procrastinating, often sluggish and typically take a few tries to get motivated…She obviously thought I was quite the go-getter.  She must’ve seen far more potential in me, far more energy, drive and determination than I did.  I mean otherwise why did she sneak off to this clandestine meeting and raise her tiny vagina hand ultimately and eternally volunteering me for these commitments that I, of my own accord, would have opted out of or at least selected a much shorter term?

Thanks Va-JayJay for the vote of confidence but next time consult me first as these are things that I am now bound to and often quite irritated by.  Things like fluffing and folding everyone on Planet Hebard’s laundry.  Things like continuously scrubbing and straightening up the house, planning months and months of menus and endless trips to the grocery store.  Things like cleaning up piles of cat puke and dog poo.  Things like decorating for every holiday on the calendar and volunteering to make cookies or posters or whatever else is mass emailed to the 32 other busy body Vaginas on the class roster.

She didn’t just offer me up at home either.  No, she seems to have offered my services at work too.  Things like answering the phone even though there are 4 other Penises with capable hands but seemingly broken elbows in our office.  Things like filing, making coffee, and doing dishes.  You know, all the (stereo)typical things Vaginas are apt to volunteer for.

I notice that its not just my Vagina that thinks I am superwoman.  My friends private parts seem to think they are something special too.  I see so many women juggling jobs, commutes, errands, homework, and carpools and often witness the same glazed over, how-the-heck-did-I-get-here and when-did-I-agree-to-this looks on their faces.  Sure we cover it up with sweet smiles and obligatory answers of “Sure!!  Of course I can”….bake 400 gluten free vegan cupcakes tonight after dinner and drop them off before school, before work, before I melt down into a blubbering mess.

It’s not their fault I guess, our Vaginas that is.  Why wouldn’t they think us invincible?  They’ve thrown hormones and puberty at us and we Clearasil-ed our pretty little faces and kept going.  They’ve thrown periods and PMS at us, often embarrassingly and at the most inopportune times, and we Tampax-ed up, rinsed our undies and kept going.  They’ve thrown pregnancy and childbirth at us and we gritted our teeth, we breathed, we pushed and though it felt at the time like maybe, finally our little trouble making C You Next Tuesdays were gonna be ripped right out of us instead we received uterine massages by Labor & Delivery nurses to return them, our unelected arbitrators  to their natural state meanwhile we were never ever the same again and still WE KEPT GOING.  So, yeah I can see where my Vagina might think I can handle it all.

Truthfully, I know I can handle it all.  I may not always want to, perhaps not always with a smiling face but handle it I will.  If only it were that simple.  You see, it’s not just me I’m worried about.   I have a daughter, a lovely, intelligent, dramatic, smart and smart-ass preteen daughter.  My daughter also has a vagina.  Shocker, I know!  Yet I realized that my vagina was influenced by my mothers, just as moon cycles and too many women in the office can still affect mine today.  I realized that my mothers vagina volunteered her just as often and to just as many unwanted and untoward tasks as mine.  The difference is, I refuse to let my daughters vagina speak for her.  She will not be tied to stoves or school meetings unless she actively wants it.  She wont be forced to answer a phone or file anything unless it is her own phone or files she is bowing to.  I started this early.  I repeat it often.  I have and will continue to make sure that both she and her tiny Whoo-Ha know that she is not bound to any predetermined roles or responsibilities.  She can choose.  She can wait to see which tasks she is drawn towards and which she’d like to forego.

Thank you very much fledgling genitalia but keep those lips sealed.   I will not let her vagina speak for her, she will speak for herself and I think both of our Vaginas will be silently cheering for her.