Nearly a decade ago a bubbly, voluptuous sex pot was hired into the department I worked in and I was immediately smitten.  We  were mutually drawn to the opposite-ness of each other, I to her round feminine curves so soft and welcoming, she to my tall thin blondness.  She joked about what she would do if she had my body for a day, I joked about what I would do to her body in a day.  As opposite as we were, we bonded over our similarities, both having been teen moms to boys who were pre-teens, our faith and love of God, as well as a shared passion for Mexican food.  As time passed we confided in each other, about our boys, their dads, our struggles.  We shared the pain of having kids so young and the joy of being young enough to still understand their worlds.

My daughter was a toddler at the time and D hoped for a girl of her own.  It occurred to me that when you are surprised with babies early it makes the wanting or waiting for one seem arbitrary.  If we got pregnant so easily when it was unexpected it would reason that to get knocked up when wished for would seem effortless.  I have never tried to get pregnant, they just sort of happened.  I certainly did not plan for Ethan at the tender age of 18 and Ollie was quite a surprise at 28 with less than a year clean and with the wreckage of my life still getting sorted out.  When D announced that she was “trying” to have a girl I was a bit bewildered (as is still my reaction when people announce this news) but I was also overjoyed for her.  My daughter had changed me profoundly.  Her birth had healed wounds I hadn’t even been aware of and I prayed for D to have the same miracles in her life.

When D announced she had a bun in the oven we rejoiced!  We laughed and commiserated on the vast differences between being a first time mom and the questions and concerns (Will it hurt terribly? Yes, but you wont remember that part.  What if I tear? Meh, it’s not as bad as it sounds.  What if I literally shit the bed during labor? Well, as they say shit happens) Those questions were paralyzing in Round 1, but Round 2 was easy peasy! We shared these secrets of Motherhood, we talked about names, and who she would look like, it was a beautiful carefree time and then D lost the baby.

This was not the first friend I had known who had lost a pregnancy.  This wasn’t even the most traumatic or tragic loss I had been witness to, but this was the most wanted, most wished for, most desired.  She had yearned for that little person.  The loss shook her hard.  The effervescent beauty was darkened and she had lost a bit of her sparkle.  I cried with her and tried to console her.

Although I believed that everything happens for a reason, I did not say that.  Although I knew that “this too shall pass”, I did not say that either.  Instead after telling her how much I hurt for her, how much I loved her, I said “D be grateful.  Be grateful that you can get pregnant, some women cant.  Be grateful that you have a child, some people won’t.  Be grateful that you have the love and support of your boyfriend and son.  Be grateful and give it up to God.”  Her response was not immediate.  It took a few weeks.  The stages of grief set in and she took her time with them.  She was not ready for renewed hope and gratitude.  The doctor had advised her to wait several months before trying again.  Her boyfriend was concerned that it would be too much to handle to try again but that’s not D.  She is tough and determined.  She’s a fighter and a stubborn one at that.

Not long after, we crossed paths in the break room and she approached me excitedly.  The upbeat tone was back in her voice, the sparkle returned to her beautiful brown eyes.  She pulled me close and admitted she was grateful.  She had been out for ice cream with her son and her boyfriend.  The three of them were laughing and talking and she had a moment of clarity.  She felt blessed beyond words.  She understood that whatever happened she would be happy with these two men spoiling her exclusively for the rest of her days.  She said her cup runneth over.  I chuckled and hugged her squeezable softness into my bony arms and said “Don’t get used to it sister.  With that attitude you’ll be pregnant in a month!” She pulled back and looked me square in the eye and questioned how I could say that knowing what she just said, what she had just been through.

I replied, “What we give is what we get.  What we put out into the Universe is what is returned to us.  When we want for something, then want is what we get.  When we are content in our lives, when we are grateful for our abundance the Universe returns that to us as well.”

A few months later, Mia Nicole made her earthly debut full of sass and spunk, a spirited little dark haired beauty just like her mama.

And that was it, or so we thought…..

To be continued.