Nearly a decade ago a bubbly, voluptuous sex pot was hired into the department I worked in and I was immediately smitten. We were mutually drawn to the opposite-ness of each other, I to her round feminine curves so soft and welcoming, she to my tall thin blondness. She joked about what she would do if she had my body for a day, I joked about what I would do to her body in a day. As opposite as we were, we bonded over our similarities, both having been teen moms to boys who were pre-teens, our faith and love of God, as well as a shared passion for Mexican food. As time passed we confided in each other, about our boys, their dads, our struggles. We shared the pain of having kids so young and the joy of being young enough to still understand their worlds.
My daughter was a toddler at the time and D hoped for a girl of her own. It occurred to me that when you are surprised with babies early it makes the wanting or waiting for one seem arbitrary. If we got pregnant so easily when it was unexpected it would reason that to get knocked up when wished for would seem effortless. I have never tried to get pregnant, they just sort of happened. I certainly did not plan for Ethan at the tender age of 18 and Ollie was quite a surprise at 28 with less than a year clean and with the wreckage of my life still getting sorted out. When D announced that she was “trying” to have a girl I was a bit bewildered (as is still my reaction when people announce this news) but I was also overjoyed for her. My daughter had changed me profoundly. Her birth had healed wounds I hadn’t even been aware of and I prayed for D to have the same miracles in her life.
When D announced she had a bun in the oven we rejoiced! We laughed and commiserated on the vast differences between being a first time mom and the questions and concerns (Will it hurt terribly? Yes, but you wont remember that part. What if I tear? Meh, it’s not as bad as it sounds. What if I literally shit the bed during labor? Well, as they say shit happens) Those questions were paralyzing in Round 1, but Round 2 was easy peasy! We shared these secrets of Motherhood, we talked about names, and who she would look like, it was a beautiful carefree time and then D lost the baby.
This was not the first friend I had known who had lost a pregnancy. This wasn’t even the most traumatic or tragic loss I had been witness to, but this was the most wanted, most wished for, most desired. She had yearned for that little person. The loss shook her hard. The effervescent beauty was darkened and she had lost a bit of her sparkle. I cried with her and tried to console her.